Comments on: How to Dole Out Consequences Without Getting Emotional

By: J. Ivy Boyter

J. Ivy Boyter — Wed, 30 May 2018 01:43:40 +0000

In reply to Ann.

That’s a good idea Ann. I chose “don’t share your bad mood” because I don’t want the kids’ moods to be passed to one another. It’s okay if they’re having a moment (or day), but they don’t need it to transfer to others. Definitely taylor the house rules to wording that fits your family 😀

By: Ann

Ann — Fri, 30 Mar 2018 14:34:07 +0000

This is great. The only part I wonder about is “don’t share your bad mood”. It has to be clear that negative emotions and negative feelings are just as OK as positive ones. I would suggest instead as a rule “Share well unless your forcefield is down” or something like that. In our house we use the term “communicate effectively” and the kids use the term “force field” for their bondaries – both containment and protection – all emotions are OK and we strive towards healthy boundaries, healthy communication, and healthy relationships (ALL of us – this is totally new learning for mom and dad)

By: Katelyn Fagan

Katelyn Fagan — Tue, 06 Feb 2018 20:27:37 +0000

In reply to H. Forth. Thank you for your comments! This was actually a guest post written by a friend, but appreciate your critique. I have struggled internally with the idea of giving praise, rewards, and consequences for behavior as it feels shallow and I do want to see long-term changes and internal motivations in my children rather than ONLY doing things because there is something in it for them. Obviously, these short-terms rewards/punishments work, at least for a while, and can have their place, but I agree that there has to be a better way. Thanks for the book references. I have heard of a few of those, but haven't read them yet. I'm sure I'd enjoy them though as I love a good parenting book.

By: H. Forth

H. Forth — Mon, 05 Feb 2018 09:34:21 +0000

If it pleases you (Please), listen to Hugh Nibley’s lecture, year 1954,The Ancient Law of Liberty.
It also appears in Nibley’s book, “The World and The Prophets”.
So many of us have fallen for an “economic model” of our “Father in Heaven’s plan” for bringing His Children back to Him. Some say that we’ll need to “earn” our way back. If voluntary obedience can be equated with “earning”, then involuntary “compliance” can be equated with “love of God”. I don’t believe that such an equation should or can exist. King Benjamin reminded his people, “are we not all beggars?” (Mosiah4:19) [Beggers are often looked upon as burdens to Capitalist Economies — they (the beggars) can’t buy money.] I would state that “salvation” is not “earned”, but received by voluntary compliance including “asking for forgiveness” (repentance). When such “forgiveness” is “granted” you’ll know it and then you’ll be able to receive “more abundant life” as promised in John 10:10.

By: H. Forth

H. Forth — Mon, 05 Feb 2018 08:38:14 +0000

I don’t doubt your serious involvement with your kids.I suggest a good read that will help us all to better see B. F. Skinner’s “Behaviorist Tactics” in a “Doing to” model of parenting which teaches kids to be rather “self centered” rather than concerned about effects of their “behavior” on others. “What’s in it for me?” “What do I have to do to avoid punishment?” Such questions promote a “self centered” outlook. Please read Alfie Kohn’s book, “Punished by Rewards”. I consider him to be a “Myth Buster” for parenting, public school teaching and corporate management. What’s the old saying accredited to PBS’s Mr. Selfridge, the American entrepreneur in London, England: “Managers afix the blame. Leaders fix the problem!” Kohn also wrote “The Myth of the Spoiled Child” and “Unconditional Parenting”. All are “not only” good reads, and backed up with scientific research, (not just “hear-say” anecdotes), but can be obtained on CD in MP3 format. See Amazon.com. and http://www.alfiekohn.org. Other books by Alfie, “The Homework Myth”, “No Contest”. They’re listed on his web page. We would do better to condition our pets or raise tropical fish than to offend one of these little ones by using manipulative praise, punishments and rewards. Mr. Kohn offers many alternatives to such behaviorist “pet raising” tactics. See Wikipedia’s article on B. F. Skinner and I quote, “Skinner considered “free will” an illusion and human action dependent on consequences of previous actions. If the consequences are bad, there is a high chance the action will not be repeated; if the consequences are good, the probability of the action being repeated become stronger.[7] Skinner called this the principle of reinforcement.” He worked on lab rats and other critters, but wrote about applying such tactics on humans, both old and young. Not a good approach to raising children!! They deserve better “working with” approaches than “doing to” tactics. At best, such tactics will produce lots of “resentful compliance”. If we really want to help “turn the hearts of the fathers to the children and the children to their fathers” then Alfie Kohn’s way is much better. I know that Alfie’s Jewish and doesn’t yet seem to understand how our Father in Heaven persuades His Children (us) to follow Him. Compulsory virtue is not His way; although, just such a way was proposed to us all during our pre-mortal existence. A third of us accepted that proposal. The rest of us were allowed to receive mortal bodies on this planet. Our Elder Brother, Jesus Christ, promised to allow us to choose our own way in this life — “free will”. He also promised to remove effects of our willful, ignorant or accidental disobedience, when we voluntarily choose to learn and follow his commandments. Has anyone ever attempted to “force you to love them”? It doesn’t work. Our Father in Heaven does not force us to love Him and neither should we in our relationships with our children.