“I’m a die hard Feminist” That was your que, Katelyn, to stop even trying to reason with her. A self admitted “Die hard feminist” lacks the ability to reason openly with other human beings in the exact same way an overly macho chauvinist does. They are both too consumed with trying to prove something to themselves and the world. Stop wasting your time.

I have thought about writing (and think I have one or two drafts started) about how men are portrayed in the media and how it ticks me off. My husband is not incapable of changing diapers, doing laundry, washing dishes, cooking, or any other host of things that men seem stupid of in commercials and TV shows. I know I am lucky compared to some women in that my husband is so involved in child-rearing and helps often around the house, because some husbands really don’t do those things. But, for either party to take these stereotypes as truth, or as a reason to do it all themselves, or to limit the other is damaging.

And yes, bad-mouthing your husband, when all someone really needs to do is just talk to their husband about what they really want, is ridiculous and casts them (more than their husband) in a negative light, in my opinion. My husband and I are in agreeance on this (this last week I shared a post from someone else on my Facebook fan page about talking negatively about your spouse with more of my opinion on the topic).

I guess for me “head of household” or “preside” means that my husband and I discuss a decision, looking at it from all angles, making pros and cons lists together, praying about it, fasting if necessary, and sharing how we personally feel (or receive revelation in regard to). But, at the end of it, my husband can make the final call, but he is doing it with full knowledge of my position and my feelings and my hesitations. And almost always we are in agreement at that point anyway. If not, I just walk with faith, and choose to support the decision. Someone has to make the call in the end, if we still disagree. It’s really not about one of us “getting our way” but more a way of moving forward with what we think is best, and sometimes we don’t know which one is best, so we just have to choose and move forward with faith. So, for us, preside really comes to play most in the large decisions. Picking who says the prayer is not a big deal in our home, or who leads FHE, or family prayer or scripture time. Either of us take that lead.

This is really part of a larger issue I have with the concept of ‘head of the household’ or, to use Proclamation on the Family language, the concept of ‘preside.” I have had this conversation many, many times with many, many different women in many, many contexts, and nobody really knows what it means by ‘preside.’ (We’ll leave out the complete word salad that is that husbands and wives are equal partners, but the husband presides. You can’t preside over someone who is your equal.) Generally it boils down to “Well, my husband asks someone to say the prayer.” I mean, how tokenistic is that? Even women who are really traditional might venture that “it means that when we need to compromise he gets his way” but when asked to provide an example, the example they provide is something along the lines of “I really liked this washing machine and he really liked that one, so we decided to hold off for now and wait until there’s a sale” – in other words, it’s not him getting his way at all. Either words mean something or they don’t. If a husband presides but all that means is that he gets to choose someone to bless the food – well, why do you need anyone to preside? You could just as easily take it in turns asking someone to bless the food. Or draw names out of a hat.

Ugh. Totally not trying to come across as that subservient wife with this, more like a personal reflection of how I need to value my husband’s opinions more and his needs, because often I value my own too much.

I do not speak ill of my husband in public. I don’t call him another child (talk about disrespectful!), or say he is “babysitting” our own children when I go out. Nor do I think I am better than my husband because I am female, nor think my opinion makes it hard to be a man/husband. I like to think my POV challenges and improves my husband, just as his do for me.

I guess it is a good thing then that I am not good at “manipulating” my husband to think my ideas are his. I have always felt slightly uncomfortable when people do say that about their husbands.

Thanks for caring. 🙂

My husband is my equal. The respect I owe him is because he is my partner, and the man I love, not because he is a man, or because I am subservient as a woman. I knew writing this I would be riding that fine line of coming across as “obey thy husband above all else” kind of thing, which I don’t really buy into. His opinion doesn’t need to come before mine, but mine certainly doesn’t need to come before his either. It is a give and take.

In our relationship, I know that I personally need to be more respectful at times. And I make almost as much as my husband, and we don’t play a his vs mine money game. Never have.

Thanks for your concern. 🙂

Your advice is way off target. Your husband isn’t your superior or a person to be considered one of authority or the leader of your household, he is your partner, your equal, despite who is bringing home the money. Your husband’s opinions and needs do not come before yours. This does sound like a game of manipulation and staged acquiescence. Where did you learn this way of thinking? I don’t think you are publishing such “advice”with any ill-intent but it is troubling to read.

Look, I can do with learning to say things better too. I know I’m too blunt, especially on-line. But when you say things like “I have yet to to master the skillful art of getting my husband to think my idea was his idea,” that’s not respect, that’s manipulation.

I’m a die-hard feminist, so my take on this is slanted through years of experience with women who consider themselves more traditional. Through the years I’ve come across the sentiment, time and time again, always from women who don’t consider themselves feminists, that feminism demeans men. These same women then turn around and say things like, “I don’t need feminism because I know I’m better than men.” Or “Men have it so hard these days because women are encouraged to give their opinion.” Or “I just let my husband think it’s his idea.” Or “I have four children, when you count my husband.” Who is really demeaning men?

I respect my husband because he is my equal. I never speak ill of him; if I have a problem with him I take it to him and we discuss it together, and he does likewise with me. We share opinions freely, we seek each other’s counsel, we listen to each other’s advice. We don’t play games. We don’t manipulate each other. We don’t treat the other person like a child. Because that’s not respect.

No doubt your husband does want respect. You do, too. Everyone deserves to be in a marriage where they are respected, their opinions valued. But respect can only come from a place of equality; you can’t respect someone who is inferior to you. If you don’t have a marriage of equality, you will never have a marriage of respect.

No, of course not. It is so much more about how I state and share those opinions with him that leaves him feeling disrespected. Trust me. He values what I have to say, I just say it in a way too often that comes across jerky. Though I do think he is too sensitive about it, too.

I respect my husband too much to silence who I am because I think he needs his ego puffed up. His ego is not that fragile or vulnerable and frankly, if your husband’s is, that’s his problem, and not yours.