Are you that mom or dad who is always late to everything? Whether it’s going or leaving, dropping off or picking up, you are late, all. the. time. While certainly life is busy, and there are always things that need to be done before you leave the house (or work), especially when there are many children (and adults) you have to get out the door, you need to be aware that being late sends some very real messages to your children, especially the older they get.
For a while your child (especially if they are very social), may like that you are late coming to pick them up – they get more playtime with their friends! Win for them and win for your late self! However, if your lateness is excessive, well beyond that 5-10 minute mark, consistently, your child will eventually stop loving this “extra” time waiting on you.
Because, being late sends some pretty strong messages to your children. Messages that you may not realize they are receiving, and I’m assuming never wanted to send.
The messages a child receives when you’re late
A child that has a parent who is always very late picking up them or taking them places will begin to feel undervalued. They will feel forgotten and neglected. They will feel like a loser. They will feel alone, and awkward as they missed out on some of the fun (or some of practice) because they were so late getting there. They will get sick of making excuses for your lateness.
Eventually your child will build up resentment toward you, judge you, compare you to their friend’s parents who aren’t late picking them up ever, and wish they were their parents. They will get angry at you, mad at you, yell at you, but be completely crushed and saddened and cry alone in their room. They may label you as a bad mother or father, or as uncaring, and unloving.
So, please, don’t do this to your child. Don’t be comfortable being the late parent. And don’t believe that your kids are “just used to it” or when they tell you “it isn’t a big deal.” A simple thing like this can grossly and negatively affect your relationship. So, stop making excuses for your lateness, and expecting your children to just accept them. Actions speak louder than words, and these actions of forgetting your children, or having them wait alone, having to turn down ride after ride offer because their parent “is coming” speaks a loud message to your child that you do not want to send. Value your children, their time, and their feelings. Don’t be late!
If this is a problem for you, here are some suggestions on overcoming the lateness:
- Plan ahead. Really ahead.
- Prepare. Line up backpacks, shoes, lunch bags, clothes, etc the night before.
- Use a scheduling tool, calendar, phone reminders, emails, texts, whatever! And establish a set time you need to start to get ready, and then then the time you need to actually get out the door. And then stick to them religiously!
- Get the whole family on board, and add in time for those unexpected last minute holdups, like diaper changes.
- Make alternative arrangements if you’ll be late (or later than 10 minutes). Call and ask another mom to pick them up. Tell your child to ask to get a ride home from a friend, or if a friend can pick them up.
- Provide them with something to do or work on if you will be late getting them.
- Let them know you ARE coming. Call, text, talk ahead of time. Reassure them. Call the school/teacher to let them know. Stuff comes up. Life happens. You get stuck in traffic. An emergency happens. Have a way of contacting your child.
- Have your child (assuming their age and capabilities allow, and that’s it’s safe to do so) walk or bike to their destination, so it will be on them to be late or on time.
How do you make sure you’re on time for your child?
Corinne says
Great post! I used to be one of those people who was ALWAYS early. Having children changed that because though I could control my time and actions, I had only some control over theirs. It took me years to realize that when my kids claim to be “ready” to go, they actually needed another 5 minutes to get shoes on, find their jacket, etc. Also, the more people you add to the operation, the more likely it is that some unexpected time suck will occur just before you leave. I now build in a 15 minute buffer to allow for these things. It not only prevents my kids from thinking I don’t value them. It also teaches them to value other people’s time.
Katelyn Fagan says
Thanks Corinne! Yes, of course having kids is often a factor in why we are now late all the time as parents, but I think it is very important to put in those buffers, because, even if you have to rush around like crazy to be on time, at least the lesson being taught is that you are valuing others, yourself, and your children. 🙂
Chelsea D says
I can agree with this! My mom was always late! When I could finally drive myself I made sure I was always on time. Helped my anxiety a lot!
Katelyn Fagan says
Yes! Getting my driver’s license was so helpful or when my older siblings finally did. We were sick of waiting for ever after school for rides, or after practices.
Jenny @ Unremarkable Files says
Great post. I read this with fear because I’m one of those people who’s always late. Not very often to pick up my kids, though, and usually then it’s only by a few minutes. Still, I appreciated your suggestions at the end, and was glad you didn’t end on a note like “And if you’re late, you’re a horrible parent. The end.”
Katelyn Fagan says
Phew! I’m glad you enjoyed it! I was worried what people who are late all the time would think of it. I don’t think those who are late all the time are horrible parents, and that’s why I didn’t say such a thing. We all have our weaknesses and our limitations, and I don’t know why each parent is late, so how can I make such a judgment call? I do think though that you have to be aware of how being late, and more than just a few minutes (really the post is for those who are more than 15 minutes or so) can negatively affect your kids, because I was one of those kids.
Serenity says
I have issues with my mom being late constantly. I’ll let her know weeks ahead that I have something coming up to try and make sure she is aware. I’m only 15 and everytime I bring it up my mom gets angry and defensive and blames it on her adha or the weather or the job she was working so on so forth. Today I have a birthday party at 4 (I told her about it before school even started and it is now sept. 25th) and she is texting me telling me she will leave at 3, 3:30, 4…… the party is half an hour from my house plus I need to get a gift for my close friend. Now I won’t get there till close to 5:50- 6. This stuff happens all of the time and it hurts a lot because I can’t control it. we always have last minute plans with no structure, and I am by no means an organized person! I just like a small heads up and some respect for my time? But my time doesn’t matter because I am not an adult. I love my mom, she is an excellent accepting person. But this hurts me quite a bit.