We changed Lisa over to a toddler bed about a month ago now and along with it came some other changes. They included my daughters playing for longer and more chaotic periods of time before falling asleep at nap time and bedtime, if at all at nap time. And because they fell asleep so late from their naps, they were often crabby upon waking up, and not ready to sleep for the night until much too late at night. It was a big headache to say the least.
During this time before sleep, they would lift up their mattress and step within the spring support underneath it, stepping into the drawer underneath Lisa’s crib. They would spread socks and clothes and diapers everywhere, rip books, climb onto their dresser in their closet and take clothes off their hangers, and take off their diapers and make messes on the floor and beds.
So, we decided to make some more changes. We decided that bedrooms are for sleeping and not playing. We dissembled their cribs and laid their mattress on the floor. We removed the bucket of toys from their room and the book shelf. Suddenly their room looked like this:
It looks more like a prison cell than a nursery because there are only beds on the floor!
A “Prison Cell” Bedroom
A prison cell… or close to it anyways. Nothing but beds and walls (well, plus a closet with a dresser and clothes). And it makes me wonder how anyone manages to get through their child’s early developing years without doing something like this? We have locked and blocked and stored away everything we don’t want destroyed. Not doing so has had negative consequences. How do other people manage it when children have toys and things they can constantly mess with laying around?
Anyways, so the idea seemed perfect! No distractions! These girls should be asleep in about 20-30 max! Right? . . . Wrong.
The first day it took the same amount of time to fall asleep. The new object of play? The cold air register – the one and only thing in the room. It used to be under/between the cribs, inaccessible, but not anymore. The cover doesn’t screw down and the duct is fallen some so there is room next to it to shove socks and underwear and tights! Or, whatever else they find in their dresser drawers. So now my girls have a rusty, filthy metal container that they find ever so fascinating to play with, getting clean clothing dirty and nasty in. They also like taking the register cover off because they use it as a stool to turn on the light.
So, after a few long days of dealing with this transition and long hours of not sleeping, a friend recommended the following (which I’ve adapted as follows) which we have started to implement at both nap and bedtime. It is not the most fun I’ve had as a parent, but it gives me much more piece of mind, because I believe 2 year-olds need a nap every day, and they need to know that Mommy and Daddy are in charge, not them.
So, if you were like we were, at our wits ends with our children not napping/sleeping and wrecking their rooms in the process, consider the following method:
10 Step Method for Better Toddler Sleep {or How I get my daughters to sleep}
1.) Explain that nap time is for sleeping, not for playing. If they sleep, then they can play later.
2.) Little to no talking, from you or them. A glance is often all that’s necessary.
3.) They must stay IN or ON their bed the entire time.
4.) The parent/caregiver must STAY IN THE ROOM with them until they fall asleep. And do NOT bring any gadgets with you.
5.) Every time a child gets off their bed, put her back on it.
6.) No smiling or giggling or generally looking at your child.
7.) When they see you are not giving up, and stay on their beds, you can lay down on the floor and pretend to (or in my case actually) fall asleep.
8.) No snuggling with your child.
9.) When they wake up, reward them with a fun activity. If they don’t nap (after ~2 hours) have them do a “punishment” like cleaning or picking up toys.
10.) Once they understand you mean business, you can sit in the doorway or somewhere else instead of in the room.
There a couple things about this that have really seemed to pay off. After the first day, my girls clearly understood the expectation that nap time is for sleeping and not playing (and would tell me so). The first day they tested me a lot and got off their beds repeatedly, or wanted to get my attention, and get me to smile and play with them. Sometimes I do talk, often to tell them “No talking.” or “lay down.” But, I could probably do less of that to be honest.
While they no longer leave their beds, they still sometimes take a LONG time (hour+) to actually fall asleep for the evening and sometimes afternoon. I think part of it could have to do more with getting them used to a new bedtime, because before we started this, they would play or talk in their room until 10pm some nights! Much too late. But Josh or I stay in that room until they fall asleep. If we leave early, they grab the furnace cover and turn on the light straightaway.
Lying on the floor and ignoring them really is the best thing to do. They get bored, and decide to go to sleep. It also makes the waiting a little more easier! Also, make sure their beds are far apart from each other. The less they can make faces and talk to each other the better.
Before nap time or bedtime, we also occasionally read some stories or sing some songs and get calmed down some before we say “night night.” I think it helps to transition.
We took the door knob cover off the inside of their door so now when they wake up, they don’t have to look to fill their boredom/curiosity needs within in their bedroom; they can get out and play with things that are actually called toys. This is also helpful since we’re still working on potty training, so hopefully they won’t soil themselves (or their rooms). We just make sure the doors to the rooms we don’t want them in are shut and that the front door is chained.
While the system isn’t very fun for the adult – talk about boring! – it works. My children take naps at the times I want them to, they go to bed when I want them to, and I don’t have to go in and out of their room every 15 minutes to make sure they haven’t destroyed something else. I stay in control. I’m the one in charge and to me that is priceless. I also now know that my children are indeed sleeping and about how long I then have to do things during nap time, that precious, precious nap time.
My children also seem happier. They are getting their needed nap and wake up happy and ready to play until bedtime. They aren’t crabby or groggy (like they would be from a late nap). They know what’s expected of them.
We’re hoping that with time, they will start to fall asleep sooner at nap and bedtime. We hope that eventually we won’t have to stand guard of their prison cell, but for now, sacrificing the 30-60 minutes twice a day means we aren’t frustrated and stressed and annoyed with our children, and that makes it all worth it.
If you want other practical baby sleep solutions for the everyday mama, check out this fantastic ebook: For the Love of Sleep.
What sleep strategies have you used on your toddlers? Have you tried something similar to this to get your child to sleep?
*Update* – Over a year has gone by, and how I get my daughters to sleep is still similar to the method above. My twins are now 3.5 years old and STILL take a 2-3 hour nap every day. There’s been hurdles and heartaches along the way, but my kids (generally) fall asleep quickly at nap time, talk for a little while at bed time, and then go to sleep. I still sometimes sit in their room at nap time, but as a very passive presence, and usually bring a book with me to read. We no longer stay with them at bed time. It has been wonderful, though time consuming doing this, but totally worth it to our family. Read THIS post for more great ideas on how to keep your child napping until four years old and beyond!*
Teresa says
I don’t get the whole “don’t snuggle with them, don’t smile at them” stuff. When mine were that age, at nap time we would all get into my big bed. I’d read a story or two and we’d snuggle together and they’d fall asleep. It was very pleasant and peaceful! I would have a book handy to read if I wanted to stay with them, or I could go do other work once they were sound asleep.
Katelyn Fagan says
When they were a year older than when I wrote this post, reading books at nap time definitely helped! One at least would usually fall asleep and the other at least calm down. This was helpful when at a friend’s house at nap time or something too. At the time I don’t think it would have worked as well as they weren’t as into books then and with twins, they often just liked to play off of each other and me instead of calming down, so the “don’t snuggle/don’t smile” was how I got them to calm down instead of engage with them (and it can be hard to snuggle with twin toddlers at the same time without them goofing and playing with each other).
kayleigh says
I couldn’t help but feel a little sad as I read this – you freely admit and even seem proud that your kids’ bedroom is like a prison cell. I loved my bedroom as a kid, and i know my son (age 3) loves his. It has cars and animals on the walls, and stickers on his bed,and a Disney duvet cover, and also has plenty of his books and toys. I’m sure he’ll recall it fondly when he’s older. It’s doubtful your kids will remember their prison cell so fondly.
And since youre all abput the naps, I’ll add this: mt son has occasional naps, but I’m not desperate for him to have a nap just so I can have me time. It must be hard having twins, but it is a shame that you view the time your kids are asleep as “precious golden time” rather than the time they’re awake. When you’re on your deathbed will you look back at the best times of your life and think about nap times, or will you recall fun times with your kids awake? I hope for their sake it’s the latter.
Katelyn Fagan says
It’s less being proud, and more laughing at the extreme measures we seemed to have to take to reign in the craziness of twins sleeping in the same room at nap time. They are now 5.5 years old, and still their bedroom is pretty darn plain, and mine was pretty plain as a kid too. I hope they’ll remember time with me more than time they spent alone in their rooms too, or remember their bedrooms fondly because of the stories I told them at bedtimes and the prayers we had together there.
The removal of toys and books from their room was temporary. Very temporary. Really, the post was sharing more of our exasperation, and extreme measures we felt necessary at the time, rather than a “everyone should remove everything from their kids rooms so they’ll nap.” We came up with a better way of doing naps in the end, and they napped well past their 4th birthday. One still takes a nap like once or twice a week.
I still value nap time or quiet time now, because it is the one break I get during the day of the noise (I now have four children). But, I also work now during that time here on the blog. It helps them too.
Tamara says
Oh dearest Kaleigh, if you do not have twins or even 2 children near in age then please do not comment with your heavily judgmental opinion on the life of others. I, along with many, many other twin moms as well as moms of single children look forward to nap time and also consider it golden. Do we love our children ? More than the world itself. Will we remember all the precious time spent together “on our deathbed”… of course! (Btw typing that just made me cringe at the dramatics you used) Looking forward to “me time” is not shameful at all but simply a form of self care that we all need as mothers in order to continue to give selflessly the other hours of the day. Honestly me so called “ me time” isusslly involves uninterrupted housework or meal prep and maybe a trip to the bathroom. We as moms need to support each other so please find some uplifting words and refrain from the mom shaming. Thanks!
Jen says
I have 2 children…a 4.5 year old girl and an almost 3 year old boy. They both nap…I completely understand your drastic measured to get your girls to nap. My son fights nap time occasionally but all I need is to have a stern voice and he goes to sleep. Your daughters and my daughter seem to have a bit more of a difficult personality when it comes to naps. She used to tear apart her room rip books, take everything out of her dresser etc. Sometimes you have to do some silly things to get naps bit if they seem crabby and like they still need a nap then you gotta do what you gotta do! 🙂
Katelyn Fagan says
Hey, thanks for getting it! A lot of people don’t understand this post at all and where I was coming from. Drastic times call for drastic measures. It ended up working well for us, and, of course, the toys were eventually moved back into their room, and certain elements of this system were laxed over time. Thanks for commenting.
Ellie says
We LOVE the kidco peapod. We’re prepping our 2.5 yr old to share a room with a new baby. Now in a toddler bed, she’s doing the same – SO TIRED, but so distracted by all the possibilities of her room all to herself! Including trying to climb on top of her dresser and other shenanigans – simply not safe. After a lot of different attempts at figuring out how to help her get the sleep she needs, we decided to pull the peapod out of the car (we keep it in our trunk and use it when we travel or are out and about instead of a pack n’ play). We turned it into cozy nap time tent: special “nap pillow”, blankets, and she gets to pick a few books and 2 toys to take in the tent with her. I zip it up and turn on the music. Now she’s falling asleep within 15 minutes instead of the usual 45 minute battle to stay in bed. Whew!
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00BWIPC6G/ref=sr_ph_1_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1457705571&sr=sr-1&keywords=kidco+peapod
Las Vegas Mama says
Hat’s off to you for figuring out how to get the kids to nap consistently!!! My 4 year old cries and basically acts as though I am trying to murder her when I try to put her down for a nap on the occasional times I know she needs it. I came from a family that LOVED naps (including me), so I really don’t get why my kids don’t!! Anyway, thanks for the advice, I think the consistency is key because I don’t try to have her nap every day, just some days. Thanks for the advice!
Mollsey says
Thank you thank you thank you for this advice. I stumbled across your post in a desperate search for tips on how to get my twin girls (just turned 2) to nap. Introduction of the toddler bed suddenly meant no more naps. They NEED the nap. They are an absolute complete mess by 4pm if they didn’t get their nap in. Right now they have a field day with each other in their rooms. They tear the place apart, jump in each other’s beds, keep one another awake. It’s so exhausting going in every 15 min and I hate yelling at them and I hate how irritated and angry I get. I only got that way because I know they desperately need the sleep! I will be trying your tips starting tomorrow. About how long did it take you once you first started sitting in there with them? A few weeks? Months?
Thanks again for the advice!
Ashley says
I know this post is older, but I have to say that I was relieved to see your advice. And I can DEFINITELY relate. We have 3.5 yr old b/g Twins who share a room. Ever since about 13mo my husband has been home with them during the day. We value naps, but we also value being able to do stuff as a family and don’t always plan around naps and bed. They nap on the go when necessary AND since they were preemies, it was more important from day 1 that they were in an EATING schedule than a nap schedule, so no sleep training ever happened. Snuggles until asleep at night until they turned two etc. sometimes I feel guilty about not instilling better sleep habits and search the internet for how to fix it, but it seems it’s more of a toddler issue–we have sat with them until they fall asleep since we started putting them down awake. Transitions in development or to toddler beds, or now a big bed have all brought obstacles. For what it’s worth, I’m glad to find that what works for us (and that I sometimes try to figure out how to ween off of–sitting until they are asleep) is recommended by someone else. We still don’t get a full night’s sleep without one or both joining us most nights, the only real problem other than the time getting them to settled for sleep time in one room. Thank you for sharing. Empathy does seem like a perfect enough word.
Leanna Boyle says
The bedroom should be a sanctuary for children not a jail cell. Dr Phil calls what a child values “currency” and says if they misbehave it will be taken away from them forever. Even necessities like blankets, pillows and sheets I think this treatment is abuse and the child will be devastated for life. He calls it “commando parenting “ it doesn’t really work long term
Katelyn Fagan says
This was definitely not a long-term solution. These twins are now 9-year-olds and definitely not devasted for life, because nothing was taken away from them forever, especially not things they valued. What a crazy idea Dr. Phil has here!
Leanna Boyle says
For sure, that’s why I am not a fan of him . He has two grown boys so he should know how to treat children, or go to the border of the country and see how those kids are treated. They have to sleep on the floor without pillows or blankets