I had the awesome opportunity to go to my first blog conference – SoFabU OTR Dallas – last weekend. It was great to meet some new bloggers, meet a couple I had already connected with online first, and take away some valuable information. As I am now 32 weeks pregnant, there’s obviously no hiding the fact that I am with child. Many correctly guessed that it wasn’t my first pregnancy (I am a parenting blogger after all). I said, no, it’s my fourth. I have twin five year old girls, and a two year old boy already.
I thought it was awesome though that so many at the conference also had twins. I sat at a table with two other women who have twins as well, and met up with another blogger I’d been in touch with before the conference who also has twins. And I didn’t even get a chance to talk to everyone, let alone ask about their progeny. But, there may have been even more twin moms among us the 50 or so of us there than I knew!
But, for many who commented on my large girth, I was surprised that many of the comments I received were not about me being crazy for having four kids (which I have come to expect): no, many instead (unnecessarily) started defending their position to stop at two children or three children.
And I totally get it. Not everyone wants more than two or three children, clearly, if you look at the majority of family sizes today. Some can’t or weren’t able to have more than the one, two, or three they were blessed with.
And some just really felt overwhelmed once they hit that blasted third child (which apparently many women think is the hardest, most stressful, number of children to have, though I am not one of them) where they are now juggling more kids than they have arms and eyes.
Some were just done, and felt that they were good-to-go with the 1-3 kids they were given. 
So, I wanted to assure you, mothers out there with 1-3 children, that you do not need to defend your baby-making decisions with me. I am not looking down on you for stopping after you had just a few children, no matter what genders or ages they are (meaning I won’t give you the “you need to keep trying for that boy” comment). If you came to your decision open-hearted, open-minded, prayerfully asking for inspiration and guidance on the matter personally and with your husband, there is nothing at all to be ashamed about or to feel defensive about with me.
Because I do believe that the choice to have a child, or another child, is a personal, spiritual one, and isn’t something to take lightly. I have my own strong opinions about what I want for my family and how large I want it to be, but I am also open to whatever promptings I receive from God, and trust that however many kids I have, I will be able to manage them and my life.
I don’t know all the reasons why you, a mother of two or three, chose (or didn’t really choose) to stop at that number. But, the choice was ultimately yours. I may not have made the same choice (oh, wait, I clearly didn’t), but it doesn’t mean I think you are less of a mother, just as I am not more of a mother for having more children. I don’t believe in making child rearing a competition anyway.
So, you may not fully understand large family living, nor I smaller family living. But, that’s what’s great. We can each teach each other something from what we know from our choices and experiences.
So, please, don’t feel the need to defend your small family when confronted with my soon to be six-member family. I sure am trying hard not to feel the need to defend my decision to have a larger family, because I don’t really feel like I need to. The choice was ours, and I am 100% happy with that choice, even if baby #4 will be coming along a little sooner than our original plan.
How many kids do you have? Do you feel the need to defend that number?
Chelsea @ Life With My Littles says
I love this! And I think the opposite is true, too. I don’t think people with big families need to defend their choices either. We all should support one another in our decisions, because it really is your own decision and nobody else’s!
Katelyn Fagan says
Absolutely! I’m sure I will come across more people as my family expands who will question my choice to have four kids (or maybe more someday). But, I don’t know why I need to defend that position, or why they should have to defend their decision to have less than me. It’s all good, people! Children are good. 🙂
Diana says
Hi there,
I complete understand I feel judge at all times when going out with my kids. ( I have 5) I get the commet how can you do it??? I’m going crazy with 2, that is why we stopped at 2. Why do I have to explain my reasons and I dont go around people saying how come you only have 2! Each person should encourage others and be understanding.
Becca says
Okay, I hope you don’t mind me saying this; but I do admire mothers with more than just a couple of kids – I think you have to be so organised to keep it all together. Which isn’t to say that if I looked in your cupboards everything would be perfect (I’m one of 5 and my mom’s cupboards weren’t perfect) but I mean organised in the broader sense – you have a routine, you organise yourself to get stuff done. And I’m sure at times it’s mind-numbingly boring, but you just keep with it. I know for myself, with my two, there are days when I think “I just couldn’t be bothered” – then I think of my mom, and I just keep powering through, using her as my inspiration.
Katelyn Fagan says
Absolutely! 5, 2, or 1, we should be encouraging and open-hearted and understanding. I do think that sometimes people are curious how you manage 5 when their two are running them ragged, and sometimes with five you may have wonder how two can run someone ragged! We all bring great things to the table and we can all learn from each other if we try.
Becca says
You’re so sweet! I have two; most of my sisters have three; my parents had five. No matter what, other people are just not happy. My parents had five girls. Every time we’d meed someone new the comment was always, “Oh, you must’ve had so many because you were trying for a boy.” Yes, it was said right in front of us! My parents would get so offended.
Couples without children are constantly asked, “When will you have a baby?” (Which can be infinitely painful if infertility is an issue.) One-child families are constantly asked, “When are you going to have another?” But come that third pregnancy and it’s “When are you going to stop?”
Katelyn Fagan says
It really is weird how involved other people can make themselves into others making-making decisions. And a family of all girls is just fine, as is a family of all boys! And I don’t know that I am any more organized than a mother with only a couple of children… I may be less organized in many ways. (Please don’t look in my cupboards.)
Becci Cleary says
I am pregnant with BabaBumpNo3 at the moment (23weeks) and look about 8 months! Everyone feels the need to keep telling me to double check that it is not twins (I was this size with my other 2 so I am double/trebly sure that it isn’t) – the most usual conversation at the moment is
‘Do you know what you are having?’
‘Yes, a girl’
‘Oh Lovely : What have you already got?’
‘Between me and my partner we have 3 girls, this one makes 4’
‘Oh well, you can always try for a boy next!’
AAAARGGGGGHHHH!
So our situation is, my partner had a daughter who passed away, then he had another daughter, I had one daughter, then we met and have one together and now we are having another one – 5 girls (he is starting to question his ‘Y’ gene)
I was happy with the 3 we had between us – 5 people in a 3 seater car, 3 bedroomed house – all fitted, I always said I wouldn’t have another one but as it goes ‘TOUGH!’ My Best Friend, My Soulmate and whole wide world – my Grandad passed away on 24th January this year, today he has been gone for exactly 23 weeks and today I am also exactly 23 weeks pregnant and couldn’t be happier – although this one is the defo defo final one 🙂 It will be C-Sec no 3 for me and will fill the house perfectly so my lil ‘miracle’ will completely complete us 🙂
Becci Cleary says
In a 5 seater car even – can I blame this on ‘Baby Brain please? haha 🙂
Katelyn Fagan says
Baby brain is real. 🙂 And there is nothing wrong with a whole bunch of girls, or never having a boy. You just keep loving what you have and enjoying your new pregnancy! Congrats!
Rainey Daye says
I am the oldest of seven and got many comments (as I am sure my parents got even more) about the size of our family. What is even crazier is that among the general public we were looked at as an insanely large family, yet in our homeschool circle (the same homeschool program the Duggars are in…though I have my issues with it and will NEVER use it myself for my own children) we were considered a “small” family!! At the annual conference in 2005, when Discovery Channel was following the Duggar family around with cameras, they wanted to meet the parents of other big families and asked for those with eight or more to meet with them and I had to tease my mom about not having enough kids to “count”!!
Now my husband and I have two children earthside (I had three miscarriages) and because of life threatening complications I had postpartum after both of our children as well as after one of our losses…we are done (at least for the time being and as far as bio kiddos go…if we have more, it will be through foster-adoption). So now I get it from the other side…people wondering why I (as one of seven) only have my two. That is why sometimes I feel myself defending our reasons for having “just two”!!
Katelyn Fagan says
I totally get what you mean about the large family being a “small” family thing! I grew up as the youngest of NINE children (technically 11 – 1 was stillborn and one died as a toddler before I came along) and I don’t necessarily see families with 5 children as very large, even 6 is kinda large to me. 🙂 I’m sorry you have to defend your “just two” especially given the circumstances. Congrats on what you’ve been blessed with. 🙂
Jennifer says
I had my fourth earlier this year. I’m proud of having four, although I know many people have good reasons for having fewer children. I love it when people ask me about my “big” family. But you’re right. I don’t want anybody to explain their personal decisions to me. Why do they assume I’m going to be judgmental?
Lisa says
Four kids here, two sets of twins! I think people are in such shock around me that they just never say anything!
Jeneva says
Alghirt alright alright that’s exactly what I needed!