I have worked (what feels like) a very long time to arrive at the point of being a happy mother as a stay at home mom, the point where I feel content and enjoy motherhood and mothering.
My Journey Into Motherhood
While I have always loved my twin daughters, I wasn’t always enjoying them or my new role and life as a mother in the home. My journey into motherhood has proved to be quite the growing experience for me as an individual. I have learned a lot about myself as my weaknesses have smacked me square in the face way too many times.
Having attended school full-time for 16 years straight, working part-time for nine of those years, and being married for less than a year and a half when we were blessed with not one, but two new babies and then moved across the country in search of employment, let’s suffice it to say, that the transition from my previous life to my life as a full-time mother was not so easy, especially when living in a place where I didn’t know anyone, nor have a car during the day to get to know anyone.
Motherhood with newborn twins
While most of the first year of my daughters’ lives left me consumed with meeting basic needs, I still felt lonely and bored. Thankfully I had on-line courses and an art commission to keep me busy before our first Christmas. But once I finished my classes, and was officially set to graduate, I found myself with a lot more time on my hands, time in which I could let myself bemoan my situation, be lonely, and bored.
Thankfully there were church friends and church activities to go to, plus my adorable kids. I started going to my first book club once a month, and going to an occasional girls’ nights out. I also had a few new art commissions too.
These activities and times when I could leave the home (kid-free!) and be with others, especially other women, were wonderful. Growing up there was always something I knew about myself, something that I knew I had to have, and that was people. I had to have people in my life. I considered myself a “people-person.” I loved being with a group of people. I felt comfortable leading a group, voicing my opinions, and talking. My poor husband would get an earful of my endless ramblings as soon as he got home from work because I was so glad to see him and glad that he was an adult who could actually talk with me! And he happened to care about me and what I did all day. However, too often, these ramblings took on a “woe-is-me” tone as I would complain about things that happened, things the kids did wrong, and how we were tight on money (again), and so on, which Josh didn’t appreciate much after a day dealing with moody high schoolers.
Motherhood with toddler twins
When we moved to our second home in Indianapolis, we switched church congregations, finding ourselves in a ward that had more younger families, families in similar situations as us. Many are in law, dental, medical, or graduate school and have wives and young children. It was easy to start making friends as I attended the weekly playgroup with my girls, was willingly given rides to fun places, and went to another book club. Plus, there were still church activities and more involved callings therein.
This socializing definitely helped me feel better, filling my people neediness. However, women getting together in large groups can sometimes leave one feeling less than. I sometimes found myself wanting what the other women had. I wanted to be crafty, to be able to sew, cook healthy gourmet meals, or sing beautifully or have exceptionally smart or well-behaved children like them. I wanted my own home, fashionable clothes, a second vehicle, and to be much more financially secure. I wanted to be as fit as they were, as nice, as welcoming, as giving. I wanted to be as smart, as mature, as balanced.
And sometimes too, even though surrounded by many women, I still felt all alone. I still felt like I didn’t have that “best” friend. It all felt a little hallow. I wasn’t always comfortable around them. My guard was up, and I had that gnawing feeling that they were all judging me, evaluating me (the youngest of the group), so I better be careful about what I say and how I say it. And there were times I felt I had nothing in common with some of these much more awesome people. Sometimes I questioned whether some of them even liked me.
But all of that thinking and envying was just grounded in my own insecurities. I hadn’t come to recognize my true worth as a woman, as a wife, as a mother, as an individual. These women, I’m pretty sure, have never judged me (they’re too good for that!), but I judged myself and them. Doing so only made getting close to them and developing real friendships harder. I decided a few months ago to be more forward in my socializing. I took the initiative and invited several people over to my home for play-dates. I tried to relax and be my flawed self more. I stopped worrying about what others thought and did what I wanted to do.I also started to pray more, and more sincerely. I also started to take my scripture reading and church callings more seriously. I’ve picked up doing genealogy again, and reading more books, including books about being a better mother. I’m trying hard to be more patient with my two-year olds. I am speaking kinder to them, really listening to them when they are upset, and setting clear consequences that I stick to. I am playing and reading with them more. I am also talking to them about god-related subjects as well academic subjects (letters, numbers, colors). Overall, I am more intentional with my daughters and it leaves me more satisfied as a mother and as a person.
Motherhood with two-year old twins
Thanks to books, and my personal and spiritual searching, I am valuing my role as a mother more. I am beginning to understand just how important I am in the lives of my young children. I (along with their dad) am their everything. They look to me to know how to react to things, how to learn, how to speak to others, how to love. A mother is the temperature gauge of her home. So, if I’m mad, everyone will be in a foul mood. And if I’m happy, chances are, everyone will be happier.
I see now that being a happy mother only comes when I value being a mother!
The sacrifice I make every day to stay home with my children instead of pursuing my own desires will be short-lived and worth every moment if I make it so. Because, although parenting young children is extremely taxing and challenging emotionally, physically, and spiritually, it is such a short amount of time. Before I know it, my children will be in kindergarten and then college. All research shows that these first few years of a child’s life are paramount (even though they won’t remember much of it!). It sets them up for the rest of their lives! So though I am not currently helping our family’s financial situation much, or furthering my education, or developing new talents, I am helping our family in many many ways. Motherhood is extremely important. Raising great kids is extremely important. So I’m choosing to make the best out of my awesome appointment of being a mother of young children by being a happy mother while mothering!
Doing so means I view my children as gifts, as precious, as pure, as wonderful. I see their potentials. I love them fully. I devout my attention (note I didn’t just say time) to them. I make them my top priority, not my home, not my grooming, not this blog, not Facebook, not some book, movie, or game – THEM! I still feel like I am coming into this new frame of mind, of this new understanding of the true value of motherhood, but I am determined to live differently.
And that is what has made me happy again. I’ve changed my outlook. I’ve stopped comparing (and am slowly stopping the complaining). I’m prioritizing my life. And it all feels pretty great. I’m not worried about keeping up with someone else. I’m not worried about how others perceive me. And I’m not going to downplay myself, because I know I’m a likeable person, that I’m pretty, talented, and smart. And I know I am a good mom.
I’m not perfect (in fact I’m very flawed), but I’m content. I’m at a good point in my life. I am seeing my purpose differently.
How have you come to view your role as a mother? How are you striving toward being a happy mother?
Cody & Sharee says
I know what you mean, and you’re certainly not alone! Going from full time school, work, etc. to mommy is rough! I’m still working on it, but it gets better all the time 🙂
NewMommyofTwo says
All I have to say is OMG! I hope when my girls turn 2, I can speak with that same sense of confidence and calmness as you do! lol my girls are still so little and I am in the boat of trying to figure out who I am, what I want to do with my life and furthering my education and starting a business vs. being a good mom, getting enough sleep and sacrificing almost everything for them. It’s a very tight rope to walk on, that’s for sure! I’m interested in knowing how did you finish your schooling with your daughters; I’m trying to do the same thing online but have such a hard time with it even though they sleep a lot during the day. I used to excel very easily through school but I’m finding myself having to rush through courses to keep up with everything and I HATE rushing it lol I know you speak of now how being in touch with yourself spiritually helped you more and I’m definitely trying to explore that (with newborn twins and all lol), but when did you start pursuing that more? I feel like this first year will be like a whirlwind for me and the girls and I try not to be too hard on myself but I’m a single mom (with help from my ex) and its still so hard for me. I pray that things balance out more as these months go by, but your post definitely gave me some hope that I’ll reach some type of normalcy soon!
Katelyn says
Finding the right balance is the challenge of life, especially when kids are involved! I hope you check out the post I wrote today, that’s a bit of follow-up I suppose to this one – http://homecleaningfamily.com/2013/09/21st-century-stay-at-home-mom/
I finished school through online courses called Independent Study through my college BYU. I only had to take three courses to earn my degree since I had completed all of my major requirements right before they were born (literally). I completed them in one semester, mostly cramming in everything at the end of the term.
Being more in tune spiritually just helps everything! It helps my relationship with my kids and my husband, my academics (when that applied), and my own happiness. I felt more clear-headed about what I should do in my life. Say some prayers and ask for guidance, and then trust and believe that you’ll be guided in the right directions.
And, don’t beat yourself up, that’s for sure! The first year with twins can be pretty overwhelming! And every new stage brings its own sets of challenges and joys.
If you want more advice about twins, then you should check out a twin blog I contribute for called hdydi.com (How Do You Do it?). It’s full of mothers of multiples telling it like it is. Every Tuesday we do a spotlight about the first year with twins called Twinfant Tuesdays.
And thanks for commenting! Feel free to email me with more questions!
Corinne says
It’s amazing that you have such a clear perspective on motherhood already! Your children are lucky to have a mom who appreciates the moments she has with them now, even though you have been in the most challenging time as a mother (especially since you are a mom of twins!). You’re right, it goes REALLY fast. My children are all edging closer to adulthood and each year the time seems to fly by even faster. Cherish the moments you have with them–even the trying times will bring a smile to your face later!
Ciara says
I can really relate to several parts of your story. I found going to play groups and mother and baby groups with my first child very stressful and intimidating. I felt very “unworthy” and would spend the days following such meetings fretting over whether or not I was doing a good enough job. I eventually gave up on going to those groups as they were causing me to really doubt myself. I returned to work after having both my children mainly because I felt I had to prove that I could to it all, that I could successful aid in the leading of a very large primary school as Deputy Principal, that I was putting my education to work (after all I didn’t spend 8 years in university to look after babies-I have been told this by “friends”), that I could be super mum and wife extradinaire. In reality I felt so torn, so guilty, so unhappy until a blessing in disguise entered outlives I became seriously ill. Yes, I do believe that my illness, though scary, was a blessing it helped me to set my priorities straight, it helped me clarify what was important for my family (no one else’s) , I decided to make being with my children physically, emotionally, spiritually, educationally in their formative years my priority. Once I decided that I was doing this for us, for our family and it didn’t matter what anyone else thought, an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders. I loved how you used the word content, as content is exactly how I feel now. Thank you do much for sharing your story, it was heartfelt, encouraging and honest, a pleasure to read. Thank you.
Katelyn Fagan says
You are welcome! You know, my journey to be SAHM was different then yours, but I couldn’t agree more that sometimes those setbacks in life, those illness or accidents can be blessings in disguise! My husband was in a car accident and broke his sternum, totaled our one and only car, and meant he was out of work for like 2 months, which meant even less pay. Oh, and we had a miscarriage during that time too. It was a crazy year, but after it was all through, we were able to pay off our credit car debt, become a two car family, and my husband decided to go back to school, and take our family in a new direction.