Why Wearing Modest Clothes Isn’t Making You Modest
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It can be so hard to define modesty, as modesty is a virtue but often defined by whether or not something is deemed modesty clothing. Read on to get to the heart of what is modesty.
A few years ago, a woman won the Miss Virginia pageant running on a platform of modesty. She said:
I’m a firm believer in not just being modest, but you can also be absolutely drop-dead gorgeous, not just beautiful.
I feel like girls don’t feel that way. They think that it’s a step down if you’re modest. They don’t think you can be absolutely gorgeous, but I felt that way. I felt like, ‘You know what? This dress is amazing, and I feel gorgeous in it — and I’m modest.” (source)
This contestant’s choice of modest swimwear and ball attire covered her skin more than any other contestant’s, helping her stand out from the pack in a very good way.
But, the fact that she was even in a beauty pageant, begs the question of how was she modest at all when the very nature of what she was doing – being on display for all eyes to see, being judged on her talents and appearance in order to prove she was better than others – goes against the very essence of what modesty really is?
[Tweet “”If we are modest, we do not draw undue attention to ourselves.””]
She, like many others, often miss the mark when it comes to their discussion of modesty and what it means to be modest in both action and in dress.
Many individuals partaking in these discussion of what is modesty are very often overlooking the fundamental element of modesty itself.
That’s why I think it helps to define modesty.
What is Modesty?
To actually bemodest, it takes more than a certain sleeve or hem length, because modesty is a virtue not a dress code.
Modesty is about being free from vanity, egotism, boastfulness, pretensions, showy extravagance, and ostentation.
Modesty is showing a moderate or humble estimate of one’s merits.
Modesty is also respective of decencies of behavior, speech, and yes, dress. (source)
A beauty pageant isn’t many of those things.
Modest Clothing
But, I bet you most of the conversations you have with others over modesty have little to do with virtues of humility and have almost everything to do with how covered a person is in a given situation.
The problem, of course, with judging others on their clothing choices (okay, actually, there are several problems with it) is that different people, churches, cultures, societies, schools, etc. have their own different guidelines detailing what they deem “modest” and appropriate apparel.
But, using the term modest to describe clothing is a bit erroneous in itself.
Clothes are not necessarily modest or immodest on their own as clothes are often a matter of function as much as they are in coverage.
To simply say a shirt is modest because it has sleeves or doesn’t have a plunging V-neck, is not necessarily true for all who may wear that one same shirt.
Two or more people can wear the same piece of clothing and have it fit them differently, being tighter or looser, longer or shorter. While it may appropriately cover one person (to one group’s standards), it may not another.
Are we then blaming the clothing for being indecisive in its level of modesty?
When we argue over what is or is not a modest article of clothing, we completely miss what we are really arguing about – modesty.
It seems like today people cannot separate modest clothes from modesty. Clothing must either be modest or immodest.
However, modesty is a virtue, a virtue not based on clothing, but that clothing can help reflect.
Judging Others’ Modesty (Especially at Church)
We may not always appreciate the clothing choices of people around us, as they may be inappropriate for the situation, show too much of themselves, or are just not tasteful; however, we need to remember that these people are still more than the clothes they wear, the haircut they have, or the amount of makeup they apply.
Everyone deserves respect and love. Everyone deserves to be treated like a human being, and not a tool for their personal satisfaction.
Everyone is trying to find their way to happiness, fulfillment, and acceptance.
Degrading another for their choices in appearance is not Christ-like either.
Criticizing another brother or sister (especially in Christ) because their skirt is a little too short, is not going to help you get to heaven any faster, especially if your remark keeps the receiver from coming back to Church.
If you are truly modest, you are able to see past your own clothes, and the clothes of another, because you understand that clothing doesn’t define who we are.
God still loves us all, no matter what we are wearing, or if we are modest or immodest.
That’s why it’s bizarre that so many (self-)righteous individuals feel the need to judge another’s clothing choices, comparing their own deemed “modest” clothing choices against someone else’s.
Comparison isn’t modesty. Comparing is still emphasizing you and the clothes you wear and how you present yourself.
Drawing attention to yourself is not modest and judging another isn’t either.
Modesty is a quality that should be preached and taught in churches, but not if the only reason we are doing so is to encourage teenagers (and adults) to cover themselves more.
I grew up attending the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and was taught about what constituted modest and immodest clothing frequently from my mother and church leaders thanks to the modest dress code listed in the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet issued by the LDS Church.
I generally stuck by our church’s council to wear only tops with sleeves and wear only shorts and skirts that came down to my knee, as well as to keep the neckline high.
I also embraced the often recited “Modest is the Hottest” chant at summer camps and youth dances.
However, as an adult, I see the fallacy in the overemphasis of modesty being tied so closely with certain dress standards.
This is because I often found myself judging others’ clothing choices against my church’s standards of modesty in dress, even though they didn’t belong to my church or have my same standard or even desire to dress modestly!
I also see the fallacy of the many times we talked about how we could both be modest (covered) and pretty. We did several “modest fashion shows” for church activity nights, and talked about where to find fashionable yet modest clothing as well as discussed how dressing modestly is actually more attractive to men and helps you stand out from others.
However, talk of attractiveness or sexiness or stylishness or “drop dead gorgeousness” in a discussion of true modesty doesn’t make a whole lot of sense as the two qualities oppose each other (sorry former Miss Virginia).
It is my (very) strong opinion that a discussion of stylish dress and modesty do not belong in the same conversation, especially when that conversation happens at church.
We should not be preaching to our youth how to look attractive, or even “hot” when discussing the important virtue of modesty.
The commonly used phrase “modest is the hottest” is something we should stop teaching our youth as it an oxymoron.
Do We Seek to Be Modest?
Like all virtues, modesty is not actually desired by all. Some people don’t really care to be modest, and many today mock it as something worth pursuing.
The fact is that many of us dress very immodestly today.
Many of us proudly strut our stuff because we know we look good.
We seek attention from others, compliments on appearance, on our makeup, on our outfits, and even on how nice we smell.
Many of us behave immodestly today too.
We praise people for being bold, for being aggressive, assertive, and proud.
Many of us talk about things publicly that shouldn’t be or use foul language around children or excessively in everyday speech.
Many of us crave attention, recognition, and praise, and will even go to extreme measures in order to receive it.
We try hard to stick out and to be different.
And none of those things are modest. Period.
In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array. – 1 Timothy 2:9
When you study the scriptures, you will find many cautions against flashy (immodest) apparel, many which you see still today:
broided hair, well-set hair
gold, silver, pearls
costly array; very costly apparel
changeable suits of apparel
mantles, wimples, and crisping pins
fine apparel, fine linens, fine silks, hoods, and veils
rings, earrings, and nose jewels
bonnets and headbands
ornaments of the legs
bracelets, mufflers, and chains
The problems associated with the wearing of fine, costly, fancy apparel is its propensity toward pride, high heads, stiff necks, selfishness, scornful and despising attitudes, and persecution against our brethren: the poor, the needy, and even those who believe (and live) differently.
When people are carried away into their own fashionable pursuits and interests there are more envyings, strife, malice, inequalities, iniquities, and divisions.
Isaiah warned that:
Because the daughters of Zion are haughty, and walk with stretch forth necks and wanton eyes, walking and mincing as they go, and making a tinkling with their feet, the Lord will smite them with a scab on the crown of their heads, will take away their bravery, replace their sweet smell with stink, their well set hair with baldness, their beauty with burning, their girdle with a rent, and their stomacher with a girding of sackcloth. (Isaiah 3:16-24)
The discussion of fashion, style, beauty, hotness, and attractiveness have no place within a Church of Christ because such things more often than not lead to pride, selfishness, and contempt toward others.
These are qualities unfit of a Christian trying to emulate the Lord.
Have the courage to dress in a way which will send a message that [your] standards are different. Our dress will reflect the way we intend to live, founded on principles of the gospel of our Lord and Savior.”
No, I’m not saying it is necessary to dress beautifully or stylishly in order to respect yourself or the Lord.
No, I’m not saying someone who dresses fashionably is not a true Christian.
No, I’m not saying you have to wear a Burka in order to be modest, or that by doing so you’d be a better Christian.
What I am saying is you need to check your heart.
I would suggest that the true definition of dressing modestly is strongly rooted in the way you feel as you wear something.
If what you wear makes you feel boastful, vain, egotistic, or sexy it is not modest.
If what you wear makes you feel humble, decent, reserved, respectable, and appropriate, chances are it’s modest.
And, I’m pretty sure most people will be able to handle this test on their own, and without a litany of hemline rules or shoulder strap measurements.
Now, let’s shift gears and talk about why modesty is worth pursuing in the first place!
The Benefits of Modesty
Often it is by dressing modestly that our true personality is allowed to shine.
It is when we present ourselves modest in dress, grooming, and behavior, that we can finally remove ourselves from ourselves.
We free our self-worth from our appearance.
We free ourselves from the idea that we are only valuable if someone finds us beautiful and desirable.
We free our lives from the need to always put our best face forward at all time. In so doing, we can actually be humble, be modest.
When we respect ourselves enough to get over our society’s pressure to always look our best, we receive a greater sense of our true individual worth.
When we embrace modesty, we stop comparing our merits, accomplishments, character, clothing, finances, and homes to another.
We become more humble, more loving, and less judgmental, while at the same time becoming more confident in who we really are.
Truly embracing the virtue of modesty, allows us to more fully experience the influence of the Holy Spirit, as we are better able to control and train away the desires of the “natural man” to be physically minded.
With modesty, we stop seeking the praise of men more than God, as our hearts and minds have been humbled.
How to Be Modest in Dress and in Virtue
Being modest is a life-long pursuit, and not a matter of shopping from “modest” clothing chains every time we buy new clothes.
Modesty, like all virtues, is challenging to achieve perfectly.
I do believe modesty is an important characteristic for people to strive to achieve in their lifetimes, as anti-first-World society as that may seem.
I believe this because I understand that people are more than clothes or appearances. The more I embrace my own personal modesty, the more I see through the outside to the inside of a person.
It’s often very hard to be modest when our society is so rooted in appearance, commercialism, first impressions, and snap judgments.
But, as a follower of Jesus Christ, I know I need to overcome those societal norms so that I can love as he did, seeing past the outward appearance of man, and instead looking inward at their heart.
It is my hope and prayer that you too will seek modesty in dress and in action.
Thank you. I almost cried reading this post. I am LDS too; and I personally feel that so many of the messages I received as a youth – which are not doctrine, but cultural, and so you may not have received the same messages – about being modest “so boys don’t have impure thoughts” were so damaging. I internalised the message that boys and men can’t control themselves and that if something happens to me, it’s my fault – and clearly that’s just plain wrong.. Now I live in Australia and the Utah Mormon cultural rules of modesty simply don’t apply here; people show a lot more skin, and it’s not considered sexual. I’ve also had the experience of living in Egypt, where Utah Mormon cultural rules of modesty are sort of the bare minimum standard. Modesty when it comes to rules – length of skirt, how much cleavage you’re showing, etc. – are purely cultural. But *true* modesty – that is something we need to emphasise. And it is *so much harder*. (I was going to all-caps that but I didn’t want you to think I’m yelling at you.)
BTW, I’ve spent many years studying Egyptian feminism. What you said about modesty freeing us from ourselves – from worrying about how we look, etc. – is oddly in line with what a lot of Egyptian feminists say about wearing the veil: That wearing the veil frees them up to do more important things than worrying about how they look; that it allows them to participate more freely in society without worrying about what other people are thinking; etc. So, you could make an argument that true modesty, as you describe and define it here, is actually very universal!
Thanks for your comment Becca!! I was taught in a way that women should dress modestly to help boys from having impure thoughts, which is part of the reason we should dress modestly, but was also taught that we are all ultimately responsible for our own actions. Thankfully, I was never taught, or don’t really remember being taught, that if you dress immodestly “you are asking for it.” That kind of thinking is very damaging. Boys need to learn to control their thoughts, but women shouldn’t make it harder for them to do so if they really love their brethren. I mean if you wear a sheer dress without a bra, what do you think a man will look at and think about?
And I think that’s super interesting about Egyptian feminism. I do think that culture, especially popular culture, tends to see modesty as limiting, as restrictive, as the opposite of freeing. But, I think they are wrong. And I do think the understanding of modesty, the virtue, is universal.
Men are just as tempted to stare at a woman’s naked legs and butt cheeks peaking out of their swim suit at the beach as they would be if the same “but it’s a one piece so it’s modest” swimsuit were wore at church. I’m not LDS, so I don’t know what is and is not taught in LDS circles. I do know what is not taught, but SHOULD be taught in Christian circles. Women dress however they want without regards to our brothers in Christ. Our brothers in Christ live in an almost impossible world to guard their eyes. While I don’t go and point my finger and chew out my Christian friends who think that swimsuits are ok to wear, I wish desperately that the church would man up and speak up about modesty. The truth is most women have no idea how what they wear affects men. And a lot of the time those that do just enjoy the attention (but many times claim that they are just dressing for themselves to be comfortable).
Women have in inborn need for attention. I get it. I’m a women and I totally thrive on male attention. Always have. But just like with sex, God designed a holy way for us to get that attention from only our husbands in a holy and righteous way.
Is it so hard to put a pair of basketball shorts over your swimsuit? Nope, it’s pretty easy. And it is one way you can help your brothers in Christ not be tempted. Why the resistance? I suspect that part of it is that we don’t want to be the odd ball out. I totally get that. Nobody wants to be different. But here’s the thing: God calls us to be different! Like, specifically! Yes, you may have to fend off comments about how you won’t let your daughter wear a regular swimsuit without something covering her rear and thighs. But if you just say that you feel that you are trying to do your best to honor God in all aspects of your life, including your dress, who can argue?
Basically I just wanted to encourage the ladies reading this article to embrace the concept of living in the world without succumbing to living like the world (like thinking that it is ok to show your but cheeks and thighs just because it is socially acceptable in certain circumstances. I can assure you that God does not give a rip about social acceptability when it comes to following Him!). Be a lite that shines out, be different, and embrace the joy that comes with serving the Lord!
I. Agreed with your overall theme of modesty being a matter of attitude in addition to the clothing choices although not with some of the smaller points. I disagree that “Modest is hotest” should not be used to teach the youth and think you read too much into it. It’s catchy and memorable and certainly my daughter has taken it to mean that no modesty is more attractive. A modest attitude is also more attractive. The other point we seem to see differently is about teaching how to dress fashionably yet modestly. My friend served a mission in Italy, and her mission papers explained that Italians judged people by their clothes, so it was important to dress in up-to-date styles not outdated clothing. Clothing is part of image and can repel people, or it can set an example of modesty which absolutely includes how you conduct yourself. additionally, youth need to learn how to dress modestly with the clothes available in stores currently. There is plenty of teaching about modest conduct and attitude at church. The message is clearly taught in the youth and adult curriculums, but it’s up to individuals to be receptive to the message.
I understand what you are saying about the “modest is the hottest” phrase. I often understood it as modesty is attractive, in such that, when you are humble, meek, modest, in action and dress that people are drawn to you. The word “hot” implies sexual attractiveness. That is not inherently modest.
I think dressing appropriately is modest (as I said). I believe in Sunday best and dressing for the occasion at hand. But being super fashionable isn’t important to God or your salvation.
My mother taught me that the clothes I wore should help me prepare to go to the temple. And so I wore clothes (mostly) that covered my body so that after I went to the temple and made more sacred covenants, I wouldn’t have to get an entire new wardrobe. Modesty is huge and something that both ancient scripture and modern-day prophets have pled with us to practice – both inwardly and outwardly. It does make a difference! Also, as the mother of 5 sons, its impact on young men is major.
I think your mom is a smart woman. 🙂 If we are modest in dress, because we have that desire to respect ourselves, God, and others, it will certainly help us to be ready to make covenants in the temple.
Katelyn, THANK YOU!!
I’m not LDS, but a protestant Christian, Assembly of God.
When I was young, we heard “clothesline” preaching ALL the time! But hardly any more.
We need to return to biblical standards, not cultural, in the church, The Bride of Christ as a whole.
I agree with nearly every word you wrote!
I wear capris, and T-shirts, almost exclusively.
When my bra straps don’t show, my breasts are completely covered, and not skin tight T-shirts. my bottom and thighs are all covered, to me that’s modest. Any other kind of shirt or blouse, that buttons is never modest on me, due to my large bosom. And dresses that cling are not modest in my opinion. some people might condemn me for not wearing dresses to church, but I have to answer to God for myself, not them.
I LOVE your emphasis on modesty as a virtue, not a numbered list of rules!
If we truly love God, and have respect for ourselves, and others, we WANT to be covered, and respectful!!
Someone can be totally all covered up, and still have a lustful attitude. Are they modest?? NOPE!
Thanks so much for your comment Melinda!! I am glad it spoke to you too. I think you are right in that what is modest on you, and for you, may not be to others. So you not wearing a dress because most of what you’d find would draw to much attention to certain aspects of your figure is totally okay!
I had a hard time deciding what you were trying to say; you seem to be all over the place in what constitutes modesty. Times have changed, even in the Church. At one time our ‘temple garments’ went down to our ankles. Now they extend in most cases to just above the knee. When I went for my first Temple Recommend, my Bishop’s wife showed me some temple garments. Even though I chose to not go to the Temple at that time, I started making changes to the clothing I wore so that when I was ready, my clothing would cover my garments. I still stick with that guideline and though I am now 76 years old, I don’t have to go to my closet and ask myself each time, “Is this outfit modest?”, because everything there is! I like to dress attractively and am careful to make updates now and then to reflect changes in style, as long as the clothing is still ‘Temple-ready”. I would never try to mandate how others should dress unless they ask me. That doesn’t mean that I don’t cringe when I happen upon pictures of some of our current celebrities in their ‘show-all” outfits! Fortunately, I am not their judge, so I just try to keep up my own ‘standards’ and that of the Church.
I am a follower of Christ and have recently struggled with judging people around me based on their appearances, especially fellow Christians and thought that they weren’t good Christians. I didn’t used to be this way a year and a half ago. I don’t know what happened, I just all-of-a-sudden changed and I hated it. I knew I was being ungodly by judging others and thinking ill of others, but I kept doing it. This post helped me to do a lot of reflecting and was exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you so much for posting this!
Thank you so much for telling me that it helped!! That was my hope all along, not that I’m perfect in this regard either, but I’m working on myself and my heart too. Thank you and God bless!
I loved this article. I’m an Apostolic/Pentecostal and modesty is a big thing for us, as far as dress, but for some time I’ve been feeling as though so many people I know judge too quickly, just based on someone’s apparel. Modesty goes so much deeper than just outward appearance. I can dress in a way that covers most of my skin, but if I’m wearing it because I think it makes me look sexy or provocative and act flirtatious, then I don’t have a modest spirit. Thank you for such an eye opening insight! I’ve seen several people commenting use the term ‘temple ready’ and I’ve never heard of it before, but I like the sound of it. I’d like to adopt that term, if it’s okay. We should always be prepared for the King, inside and out, just as Queen Esther was. We often have a devotion for our young ladies called Life Girls and just recently had one with the theme “Daughter of the King.” This is something we need to share with them.
I agree with modest in the heart first because that’s where its starts and from the heart it shows on outside and Yes clothes have a say in our modesty if every church was truly govern by God and ones on opinion we would be on one accord cultural doesnt mean we stop asking GOD how we are suppose to carry I seld we are to come up to GOD standards and not we try to fit in with what’s acceptable in this world we live in
We are suppose to stand out not blend it I think we want to social acceptable till we convince ourselves that showing our body is okay
I stumbled upon this post by pure accident. I’m not belonging to any faith and I have no wish to change that, but I liked your post regardless, it was well written and you put into words what always irritated me with skin tight yet “modest” dresses. A lot of the modest culture actually. It is in your intent. Not the length of your sleves. Interestingly enough, you share a lot of views with some of my Muslim friends. I think it is a universal topic, isn’t it. My personal line is a hand with over the knee for shorts in summer. The rest I think, same than most modest standards. I purely do it for myself. I am not on this world to be looked at, oogled or an ornament. I’m no one’s decorations or eye candy. I am here to live fully. The other thing about modesty culture, dress codes, that really gives me stomaches aches, that it puts the responsibility on girls instead of teaching boys self-control. And this is so, so wrong. You could prance down the high street in your underwear and still, this gives absolutely no one any excuse to harass you or assault you. Isn’t there some bible verse about Jesus telling the guy to pluck out his eyes if he can’t stop staring? Clearly he puts the responsibility where it belongs. Anyway, I really loved your insight, it was well written and it aligns with my values, it is about humility and avoidance of vanity. My catholic grandma told me a story, war time Europe, she grew a lot, and her only good dress for church, was a bit short on her. Young girl, certainly not out there to be sexy. The pastor shamed her, told her she would go to hell, and made her handsew strips of scrap fabric on it, to lengthen it to the appropriate hemline. I still think of this anecdote. And who was having the sinful thoughts there and who was perfectly innocent and certainly not immodest by definition. Thanks for the food for thought with a well written post.
Greatly written. I especially liked the statement “Comparison isn’t modesty. Comparing is still emphasizing you and the clothes you wear and how you present yourself.” Part of me thought I was getting into anti-church material. But I’ll be saving this if they put me back into teaching young women’s. I didn’t really dress modest, or immodest in my youth(wore what was in style as a teen and twenties) and converted in my mid 30s. I was a bit thrown when the conversation became a degration of how certain females dressed when we had a guest sitting right there in the classroom with spaggetti straps under her hoodie. I attempted to re-steer the discussion away from particular clothing, noting that people tend to wear what they have and I wore all the stuff that was talked about. It was an akward transition myself to figure out what worked and what didn’t, especially since I didn’t realize when I bought what I thought was modest didn’t cover the garments. That particular verse in Timothy has also stood out to me and I’ve been more mindful of ‘extras’, like jewelry, makeup. I simply ask myself, but is it really necessary, who am I wearing this for? I still wear some makeup and a necklace or earrings, but I’m not fully decked out the way I learned from generations before with ‘a whole set’. There is much more ease to not spending alot of time in front of a mirror. But doing just enough to feel good about myself, especially as a mother.
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Becca says
Thank you. I almost cried reading this post. I am LDS too; and I personally feel that so many of the messages I received as a youth – which are not doctrine, but cultural, and so you may not have received the same messages – about being modest “so boys don’t have impure thoughts” were so damaging. I internalised the message that boys and men can’t control themselves and that if something happens to me, it’s my fault – and clearly that’s just plain wrong.. Now I live in Australia and the Utah Mormon cultural rules of modesty simply don’t apply here; people show a lot more skin, and it’s not considered sexual. I’ve also had the experience of living in Egypt, where Utah Mormon cultural rules of modesty are sort of the bare minimum standard. Modesty when it comes to rules – length of skirt, how much cleavage you’re showing, etc. – are purely cultural. But *true* modesty – that is something we need to emphasise. And it is *so much harder*. (I was going to all-caps that but I didn’t want you to think I’m yelling at you.)
BTW, I’ve spent many years studying Egyptian feminism. What you said about modesty freeing us from ourselves – from worrying about how we look, etc. – is oddly in line with what a lot of Egyptian feminists say about wearing the veil: That wearing the veil frees them up to do more important things than worrying about how they look; that it allows them to participate more freely in society without worrying about what other people are thinking; etc. So, you could make an argument that true modesty, as you describe and define it here, is actually very universal!
Katelyn Fagan says
Thanks for your comment Becca!! I was taught in a way that women should dress modestly to help boys from having impure thoughts, which is part of the reason we should dress modestly, but was also taught that we are all ultimately responsible for our own actions. Thankfully, I was never taught, or don’t really remember being taught, that if you dress immodestly “you are asking for it.” That kind of thinking is very damaging. Boys need to learn to control their thoughts, but women shouldn’t make it harder for them to do so if they really love their brethren. I mean if you wear a sheer dress without a bra, what do you think a man will look at and think about?
And I think that’s super interesting about Egyptian feminism. I do think that culture, especially popular culture, tends to see modesty as limiting, as restrictive, as the opposite of freeing. But, I think they are wrong. And I do think the understanding of modesty, the virtue, is universal.
melissa dykstra says
Men are just as tempted to stare at a woman’s naked legs and butt cheeks peaking out of their swim suit at the beach as they would be if the same “but it’s a one piece so it’s modest” swimsuit were wore at church. I’m not LDS, so I don’t know what is and is not taught in LDS circles. I do know what is not taught, but SHOULD be taught in Christian circles. Women dress however they want without regards to our brothers in Christ. Our brothers in Christ live in an almost impossible world to guard their eyes. While I don’t go and point my finger and chew out my Christian friends who think that swimsuits are ok to wear, I wish desperately that the church would man up and speak up about modesty. The truth is most women have no idea how what they wear affects men. And a lot of the time those that do just enjoy the attention (but many times claim that they are just dressing for themselves to be comfortable).
Women have in inborn need for attention. I get it. I’m a women and I totally thrive on male attention. Always have. But just like with sex, God designed a holy way for us to get that attention from only our husbands in a holy and righteous way.
Is it so hard to put a pair of basketball shorts over your swimsuit? Nope, it’s pretty easy. And it is one way you can help your brothers in Christ not be tempted. Why the resistance? I suspect that part of it is that we don’t want to be the odd ball out. I totally get that. Nobody wants to be different. But here’s the thing: God calls us to be different! Like, specifically! Yes, you may have to fend off comments about how you won’t let your daughter wear a regular swimsuit without something covering her rear and thighs. But if you just say that you feel that you are trying to do your best to honor God in all aspects of your life, including your dress, who can argue?
Basically I just wanted to encourage the ladies reading this article to embrace the concept of living in the world without succumbing to living like the world (like thinking that it is ok to show your but cheeks and thighs just because it is socially acceptable in certain circumstances. I can assure you that God does not give a rip about social acceptability when it comes to following Him!). Be a lite that shines out, be different, and embrace the joy that comes with serving the Lord!
Patricia says
I. Agreed with your overall theme of modesty being a matter of attitude in addition to the clothing choices although not with some of the smaller points. I disagree that “Modest is hotest” should not be used to teach the youth and think you read too much into it. It’s catchy and memorable and certainly my daughter has taken it to mean that no modesty is more attractive. A modest attitude is also more attractive. The other point we seem to see differently is about teaching how to dress fashionably yet modestly. My friend served a mission in Italy, and her mission papers explained that Italians judged people by their clothes, so it was important to dress in up-to-date styles not outdated clothing. Clothing is part of image and can repel people, or it can set an example of modesty which absolutely includes how you conduct yourself. additionally, youth need to learn how to dress modestly with the clothes available in stores currently. There is plenty of teaching about modest conduct and attitude at church. The message is clearly taught in the youth and adult curriculums, but it’s up to individuals to be receptive to the message.
Katelyn Fagan says
I understand what you are saying about the “modest is the hottest” phrase. I often understood it as modesty is attractive, in such that, when you are humble, meek, modest, in action and dress that people are drawn to you. The word “hot” implies sexual attractiveness. That is not inherently modest.
I think dressing appropriately is modest (as I said). I believe in Sunday best and dressing for the occasion at hand. But being super fashionable isn’t important to God or your salvation.
Momof5 says
My mother taught me that the clothes I wore should help me prepare to go to the temple. And so I wore clothes (mostly) that covered my body so that after I went to the temple and made more sacred covenants, I wouldn’t have to get an entire new wardrobe. Modesty is huge and something that both ancient scripture and modern-day prophets have pled with us to practice – both inwardly and outwardly. It does make a difference! Also, as the mother of 5 sons, its impact on young men is major.
Katelyn Fagan says
I think your mom is a smart woman. 🙂 If we are modest in dress, because we have that desire to respect ourselves, God, and others, it will certainly help us to be ready to make covenants in the temple.
Melinda Mitchell says
Katelyn, THANK YOU!!
I’m not LDS, but a protestant Christian, Assembly of God.
When I was young, we heard “clothesline” preaching ALL the time! But hardly any more.
We need to return to biblical standards, not cultural, in the church, The Bride of Christ as a whole.
I agree with nearly every word you wrote!
I wear capris, and T-shirts, almost exclusively.
When my bra straps don’t show, my breasts are completely covered, and not skin tight T-shirts. my bottom and thighs are all covered, to me that’s modest. Any other kind of shirt or blouse, that buttons is never modest on me, due to my large bosom. And dresses that cling are not modest in my opinion. some people might condemn me for not wearing dresses to church, but I have to answer to God for myself, not them.
I LOVE your emphasis on modesty as a virtue, not a numbered list of rules!
If we truly love God, and have respect for ourselves, and others, we WANT to be covered, and respectful!!
Someone can be totally all covered up, and still have a lustful attitude. Are they modest?? NOPE!
Katelyn Fagan says
Thanks so much for your comment Melinda!! I am glad it spoke to you too. I think you are right in that what is modest on you, and for you, may not be to others. So you not wearing a dress because most of what you’d find would draw to much attention to certain aspects of your figure is totally okay!
Nancy J. Hill says
I had a hard time deciding what you were trying to say; you seem to be all over the place in what constitutes modesty. Times have changed, even in the Church. At one time our ‘temple garments’ went down to our ankles. Now they extend in most cases to just above the knee. When I went for my first Temple Recommend, my Bishop’s wife showed me some temple garments. Even though I chose to not go to the Temple at that time, I started making changes to the clothing I wore so that when I was ready, my clothing would cover my garments. I still stick with that guideline and though I am now 76 years old, I don’t have to go to my closet and ask myself each time, “Is this outfit modest?”, because everything there is! I like to dress attractively and am careful to make updates now and then to reflect changes in style, as long as the clothing is still ‘Temple-ready”. I would never try to mandate how others should dress unless they ask me. That doesn’t mean that I don’t cringe when I happen upon pictures of some of our current celebrities in their ‘show-all” outfits! Fortunately, I am not their judge, so I just try to keep up my own ‘standards’ and that of the Church.
Abby says
I am a follower of Christ and have recently struggled with judging people around me based on their appearances, especially fellow Christians and thought that they weren’t good Christians. I didn’t used to be this way a year and a half ago. I don’t know what happened, I just all-of-a-sudden changed and I hated it. I knew I was being ungodly by judging others and thinking ill of others, but I kept doing it. This post helped me to do a lot of reflecting and was exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you so much for posting this!
Katelyn Fagan says
Thank you so much for telling me that it helped!! That was my hope all along, not that I’m perfect in this regard either, but I’m working on myself and my heart too. Thank you and God bless!
Shonà says
I loved this article. I’m an Apostolic/Pentecostal and modesty is a big thing for us, as far as dress, but for some time I’ve been feeling as though so many people I know judge too quickly, just based on someone’s apparel. Modesty goes so much deeper than just outward appearance. I can dress in a way that covers most of my skin, but if I’m wearing it because I think it makes me look sexy or provocative and act flirtatious, then I don’t have a modest spirit. Thank you for such an eye opening insight! I’ve seen several people commenting use the term ‘temple ready’ and I’ve never heard of it before, but I like the sound of it. I’d like to adopt that term, if it’s okay. We should always be prepared for the King, inside and out, just as Queen Esther was. We often have a devotion for our young ladies called Life Girls and just recently had one with the theme “Daughter of the King.” This is something we need to share with them.
Janice says
I agree with modest in the heart first because that’s where its starts and from the heart it shows on outside and Yes clothes have a say in our modesty if every church was truly govern by God and ones on opinion we would be on one accord cultural doesnt mean we stop asking GOD how we are suppose to carry I seld we are to come up to GOD standards and not we try to fit in with what’s acceptable in this world we live in
We are suppose to stand out not blend it I think we want to social acceptable till we convince ourselves that showing our body is okay
Olawoye Babatunde says
Thanks for this article it is loaded with insights and revelations. I really appreciate you for being a blessing to this generation
Jennifer Coe says
Wonderful points in this article. I am so glad I found this post!
Lily says
I stumbled upon this post by pure accident. I’m not belonging to any faith and I have no wish to change that, but I liked your post regardless, it was well written and you put into words what always irritated me with skin tight yet “modest” dresses. A lot of the modest culture actually. It is in your intent. Not the length of your sleves. Interestingly enough, you share a lot of views with some of my Muslim friends. I think it is a universal topic, isn’t it. My personal line is a hand with over the knee for shorts in summer. The rest I think, same than most modest standards. I purely do it for myself. I am not on this world to be looked at, oogled or an ornament. I’m no one’s decorations or eye candy. I am here to live fully. The other thing about modesty culture, dress codes, that really gives me stomaches aches, that it puts the responsibility on girls instead of teaching boys self-control. And this is so, so wrong. You could prance down the high street in your underwear and still, this gives absolutely no one any excuse to harass you or assault you. Isn’t there some bible verse about Jesus telling the guy to pluck out his eyes if he can’t stop staring? Clearly he puts the responsibility where it belongs. Anyway, I really loved your insight, it was well written and it aligns with my values, it is about humility and avoidance of vanity. My catholic grandma told me a story, war time Europe, she grew a lot, and her only good dress for church, was a bit short on her. Young girl, certainly not out there to be sexy. The pastor shamed her, told her she would go to hell, and made her handsew strips of scrap fabric on it, to lengthen it to the appropriate hemline. I still think of this anecdote. And who was having the sinful thoughts there and who was perfectly innocent and certainly not immodest by definition. Thanks for the food for thought with a well written post.
Jennifer says
Greatly written. I especially liked the statement “Comparison isn’t modesty. Comparing is still emphasizing you and the clothes you wear and how you present yourself.” Part of me thought I was getting into anti-church material. But I’ll be saving this if they put me back into teaching young women’s. I didn’t really dress modest, or immodest in my youth(wore what was in style as a teen and twenties) and converted in my mid 30s. I was a bit thrown when the conversation became a degration of how certain females dressed when we had a guest sitting right there in the classroom with spaggetti straps under her hoodie. I attempted to re-steer the discussion away from particular clothing, noting that people tend to wear what they have and I wore all the stuff that was talked about. It was an akward transition myself to figure out what worked and what didn’t, especially since I didn’t realize when I bought what I thought was modest didn’t cover the garments. That particular verse in Timothy has also stood out to me and I’ve been more mindful of ‘extras’, like jewelry, makeup. I simply ask myself, but is it really necessary, who am I wearing this for? I still wear some makeup and a necklace or earrings, but I’m not fully decked out the way I learned from generations before with ‘a whole set’. There is much more ease to not spending alot of time in front of a mirror. But doing just enough to feel good about myself, especially as a mother.